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[ Nothing he's going to voice beyond that, but he gets it. ]
Okay.
[It's the smallest thing to have said and yet it makes him want to crawl into a hole.]
Thank you.
I'm probably going to make mistakes with you but it's not because I want to or I don't care. It's because everything I know is really fucking different from everyone else here. Like 'a home'. I've never had that. I know how important it is to people. But it's not something I would have thought of. [ He'd had a kingdom, a space, a domain. He tries to think of it as a home, had painted it and tried to feel homesick, and it hadn't really worked. There's a lot of reasons he doesn't use the room in Arthur's that often and that's one: he isn't quite to the point of painting over it, but he's getting closer. ] And that's not an excuse. I'm not saying it's okay that I fucked up.
I'm saying you can just tell me I fucked up. I'll try to listen. I do want to help you.
But I also know this whole thing isn't... comfortable. It can't be, because you're changing. And this kind of change is messy and bloody and raw and it aches sometimes. I've done it.
I know I can't just tell you to be comfortable. Or that being your warden makes it okay. But I do want to help you. I don't... want to dissect you.
Yes.
Well.
[His voice is incredibly brittle. Each word is enunciated like he thinks saying it might break something.]
You might have to wait a while as I continue to adjust to the idea of having someone who has immense power over me but doesn't want to use it in as grotesque a manner as they can imagine.
Are you okay with... spending time with me? Or... dealing with me at all while we're waiting?
...I don't think that distancing myself from you is going to help, and I don't think spending time with you is going to make anything worse.
[He is grimly aware that he can never know whether John is going to be what he's afraid of, if he simply hides from him.]
...
I've been reading a lot. Jedao asked the Admiral for a lyre on my behalf, so I've been playing a little. It's been a while.
Ah. I...wouldn't mind that, on occasion.
[He also feels he's neatly sidestepped the question of what it is he likes doing, which was the main point.]
Though we could just as easily continue as we were. I've not been deliberately avoiding you.
...These last few days aside, obviously, because I've been avoiding everyone.
[ A pause before-]
Do you not want to talk about what you like?
I like sex and I like killing things. The former doesn't seem like it's within your sphere of expertise and the latter, I'd assumed to be off the table.
But I'm a little confused on the liking sex. Because you called all the sex before 'disgusting' and you said that doing all the things you did were punishment enough just doing them. So do you like sex or is it just what you're familiar with, like... that thing we talked about before?
weird illithid type shit, probably.
he's not going to think about it.
Yes, I like sex. There's simply a difference between sex I'm being forced to have on pain of - well - slightly more and somewhat worse torture than usual, and sex I'm having with someone I like, because I want to.
[...It's like 13% this and 87% familarity.]
What?
No.
Of course not.
What would the point have been? We hunted, hurt, healed, and occasionally the chamberlain threw us a day-old newspaper so we'd know what was going on in the world. We couldn't give the impression that we were living in a hole in the ground.
So you like those things... but they're also the only things you were allowed to do.
Maybe we could start trying some other things together? To see if you like other things too?
'Other things' like what?
[He knows many hobbies exist! they're just all weird and suspicious.]
I work at the art gazebo so we have a bunch of them. You can try any of them to see if you like how they sound.
And there's lots of records and tapes and CDs in the library. I like trying new music. We could see what new things you might like.
I've seen the other instruments, yes. It was complaining to Jedao about the absence of a lyre which triggered the request, I think.
Anyway, I...don't see the harm in looking.
You can come up to the gazebo any time you like. I'll try to keep some music on hand to listen to while we're there, or maybe Lestat can help play things on the piano. Have you met Lestat?
Yes - at that party of yours, actually. He was decent company.
He works there with me. And he taught me how to play the violin.
For any particular reason? It's a difficult instrument to learn. And sounds the most painful in the process.
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