sixfeetofdirt | TLV: IC Contact

"I'll talk to Jacob too," she promises him. He doesn't need to speak for him, or worry about that.

"I know it wasn't long for you - in more than one way." She has to assume he perceives time so much differently than she or Jacob does. "But it's hard for me to remember exactly what that even was. Why are you so sure you're making a mess of things?"

"...I don't know. An intoxicating cocktail of self-loathing and low expectations, most likely."

He circles a path around her upper arm with his thumb.

"Can you...describe it? How you see yourself as different now."

"Well, be nice to my friend," she teases-but-not-really, squeezing his hand in hers. "He's pretty amazing if he lets you get to know him, and I would know."

This is how she segues into trying to answer his question, even though it's harder for her to connect dots; she's been the frog in the pot, after all. She isn't quite sure when the water changed temperature, only that it has.

"Well, for one, I sleep now." A rueful smile. "I'm not angry all the time, I don't hate everyone. I'm not suicidal."

She's more... not standoffish, she isn't actively avoiding anyone or anything, but this is the first time she's sat in Astarion's new room with him, and she knows she's been the same with Jacob. She's focused inward more than outward now, and she's more independent.

"...I didn't know that about you the first time around," he admits quietly. "The latter, I mean. Though perhaps I felt some kinship with it, on some...less conscious level."

"I feel like neither of us really wanted to talk about ourselves, much." For reasons they've already covered in this conversation, even.

"But I also... I got better at hiding it, after Jesus and I made our spite pact. I just didn't care: if I died, I died, I only wanted it to mean something if it could. But if not, I just wanted to stop... hurting."

"Ah. Yes. That sounds very familiar indeed," Astarion sighs.

And it rings true of Gale right now, but that's for him to mull over later.

"Wanting to live, feeling like the life you have has true value, it makes things feel...more challenging, in some ways. The stakes feel higher, suddenly. Or at least they do for me."

She nods. Her, too.

"I have people that matter to me that I could lose, again. I have..." She glances down - at his idle tracing on her shoulder, yes, but also her own belly. "... hope, again. We got some wins under our belt, back home. I don't know how all that will make me act, now. And because you and Jacob didn't get to travel there with me like we did when I was here, I don't - I worry. That it'll be too much, now. Somehow."

His brow furrows slightly.

"That what will be too much?"

He just praised her as having the right words to say. She wrangles this nameless, formless dread for several moments trying to find them now.

"Whatever difference there is," she settles on, lamely. "Me."

"Ah. In that case: no."

It's as simple as that. He kisses her temple.

"I love you dearly, and you're wrong. You will not be too much."

She's steadier now, more whole now, but that doesn't mean she can't be hurt and it doesn't mean she can't be comforted. Her smile twists crooked, nose wrinkling with embarrassment at herself, but she leans into that contact too.

"I love you too, cariño," and leaves it at that for a few moments, letting herself be reassured.

Of that, anyway. "Which just leaves - that other thing."

"Ah, yes. That other thing."

He drums his fingertips on her shoulder.

"...I doubt you'll be shocked to learn that I never saw myself as a parent. Not that I can remember, at least. Vampires are fetishised for all sorts of things, but not our virility."

"I know."

She is actually, honestly, more concerned about Astarion than Jacob, who raised his younger brothers. More concerned that this will be the too much for him.

"That's why I needed to circle back and actually talk to you about it. Try and find out where your head is really at, now we're both back and safe."

Astarion nods his understanding, then mentally girds himself and shoots for honesty.

"It does feel...strange. Taking responsibility for my own life is still quite alien. Having a hand in Gale's is taking some adjustment. The idea of having a defenceless little human to help care for is...difficult to imagine. I know I should be over the shock and thinking about things more seriously by now, but..."

He should be. Surely?

She gives him her full attention, doesn't prompt or try to nudge him in any direction. She didn't ask Jacob and Astarion about this. She just did it, and that wasn't... fair, in many ways. She knows that.

"There's no roadmap for what we're doing. No should. At least here we have time." More than the nine months they'd normally have, if that's what needs to happen. "You said it's difficult, but - you can tell me if it's more than that. If it's just not something you want. I'd get it."

It would hurt, but it's fair, and she'd understand.

Astarion shakes his head.

"I'm not saying that. I'm saying I - I'm growing accustomed to the idea. But I'm not considering whether I want a future with you and your child, or with neither."

This comes out of him with an unusual degree of certainty, and he's faintly surprised by it himself.

There it is, that thing she lost for a while and regained with the help, in part, of this man beside her: a faint spark of hope. She chews her lip, considering, but decides to hell with it. She wants him to know.

"I wanted kids for a long time, Astarion," she offers, quietly. "I knew I wanted a family when I was a kid myself. It just never happened for me, and then the world ended, and I -" She shrugs. "I gave it up. Never gonna happen."

She looks down again, one arm draped protectively across herself.

"I didn't plan this. We didn't. I want you to know - you're all three my family, and whatever combination that looks like, it's okay. I want you in it with me, I trust you, I care about you, I think you have more in you to offer than you know - but if it's not for you, that's okay. I'll raise her myself, and we'll figure it out. We'll keep figuring it out."

"We will."

He gently puts his fingertips to her chin, tilting her head up so he can kiss her, softly.

"Maybe by the time we're ready to take our leave, I'll have discovered some of that 'more'. And if not, well. How old does a human have to be before it can learn to pick locks?"

She takes her time in the kiss, soaking up the affection, savoring the reassurance.

She kisses him in turn before she answers, smiling.

"Significantly sooner than being strong enough to pull a bow. You just have to balance teaching us how to get out locked doors with our odds of surviving whatever is on the other side."

Astarion smiles and tips his brow against hers.

"Jacob will be sure to help with that too, I'm sure. We can cast him as the looming threat beyond the threshold, if nothing else."

"She won't be afraid of him," she answers with certainty, chuckling, letting herself breathe.

"Everything else should be, though, if that's what you mean. If that's what he decides."

She has another of these conversations ahead of her, after all.

"I think he will," Astarion says. "I think...mm. Not to stack the entirety of our hopes for the future on the head of one unborn child, but having some drive to improve things for a next generation might be something we all need."

He'll still be there too, as likely as not, but he isn't thinking about that too hard.

"It's what kept me going when I didn't have anything else these last few years."

She's always been the most community minded of them. It has also occurred to her that having some continuity might do Astarion some good.

She sighs. "Just... don't let me push you away wanting something that you don't. Okay?"

Edited 2025-07-04 10:03 (UTC)

"I won't," he says, solemnly. "And...as and when I work out what exactly I want, then the same will apply for you."

"I'll do my best, but we're in luck."

She smiles, pulling his hand over so she can kiss his wrist.

"My best is pretty damn good."

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