sixfeetofdirt | TLV: IC Contact

Astarion nods his understanding, then mentally girds himself and shoots for honesty.

"It does feel...strange. Taking responsibility for my own life is still quite alien. Having a hand in Gale's is taking some adjustment. The idea of having a defenceless little human to help care for is...difficult to imagine. I know I should be over the shock and thinking about things more seriously by now, but..."

He should be. Surely?

She gives him her full attention, doesn't prompt or try to nudge him in any direction. She didn't ask Jacob and Astarion about this. She just did it, and that wasn't... fair, in many ways. She knows that.

"There's no roadmap for what we're doing. No should. At least here we have time." More than the nine months they'd normally have, if that's what needs to happen. "You said it's difficult, but - you can tell me if it's more than that. If it's just not something you want. I'd get it."

It would hurt, but it's fair, and she'd understand.

Astarion shakes his head.

"I'm not saying that. I'm saying I - I'm growing accustomed to the idea. But I'm not considering whether I want a future with you and your child, or with neither."

This comes out of him with an unusual degree of certainty, and he's faintly surprised by it himself.

There it is, that thing she lost for a while and regained with the help, in part, of this man beside her: a faint spark of hope. She chews her lip, considering, but decides to hell with it. She wants him to know.

"I wanted kids for a long time, Astarion," she offers, quietly. "I knew I wanted a family when I was a kid myself. It just never happened for me, and then the world ended, and I -" She shrugs. "I gave it up. Never gonna happen."

She looks down again, one arm draped protectively across herself.

"I didn't plan this. We didn't. I want you to know - you're all three my family, and whatever combination that looks like, it's okay. I want you in it with me, I trust you, I care about you, I think you have more in you to offer than you know - but if it's not for you, that's okay. I'll raise her myself, and we'll figure it out. We'll keep figuring it out."

"We will."

He gently puts his fingertips to her chin, tilting her head up so he can kiss her, softly.

"Maybe by the time we're ready to take our leave, I'll have discovered some of that 'more'. And if not, well. How old does a human have to be before it can learn to pick locks?"

She takes her time in the kiss, soaking up the affection, savoring the reassurance.

She kisses him in turn before she answers, smiling.

"Significantly sooner than being strong enough to pull a bow. You just have to balance teaching us how to get out locked doors with our odds of surviving whatever is on the other side."

Astarion smiles and tips his brow against hers.

"Jacob will be sure to help with that too, I'm sure. We can cast him as the looming threat beyond the threshold, if nothing else."

"She won't be afraid of him," she answers with certainty, chuckling, letting herself breathe.

"Everything else should be, though, if that's what you mean. If that's what he decides."

She has another of these conversations ahead of her, after all.

"I think he will," Astarion says. "I think...mm. Not to stack the entirety of our hopes for the future on the head of one unborn child, but having some drive to improve things for a next generation might be something we all need."

He'll still be there too, as likely as not, but he isn't thinking about that too hard.

"It's what kept me going when I didn't have anything else these last few years."

She's always been the most community minded of them. It has also occurred to her that having some continuity might do Astarion some good.

She sighs. "Just... don't let me push you away wanting something that you don't. Okay?"

Edited 2025-07-04 10:03 (UTC)

"I won't," he says, solemnly. "And...as and when I work out what exactly I want, then the same will apply for you."

"I'll do my best, but we're in luck."

She smiles, pulling his hand over so she can kiss his wrist.

"My best is pretty damn good."

"It is."

He smiles, very aware of her warm skin against the cool absence of a pulse in his wrist.

"I - didn't thank you properly for letting me feed from you when I returned, by the way. That...must have taken a lot. Thank you. For trusting us."

Not just him, but Jacob too. She must have known that he would have taken action if Astarion got too greedy.

"I do trust you."

If any part of it was easy, it was that.

"If you need something and I can give it, I can do it, it's a done deal." Just to be clear about that.

"But I also... I'd thought for a while that I wanted to work on that. I don't want you thinking I'm afraid of you, or... anything else."

"I think you have extremely reasonable concerns about being bitten," Astarion says, rather wryly, though he sobers.

"...I don't think you're afraid of me. But I also won't take offence if I stir up some old memories just by being what I am."

"I don't want that," she insists.

"I won't give that asshole even a shadow of a place in my relationship with you." As far as Cazador goes. "And the virus has taken enough from me. It can't have you."

"And I don't want it to. I don't want any of that for you. It's more..."

He hesitates.

"I don't want my past sneaking into our lives together either. But if something should happen that makes me unexpectedly freeze up or...go somewhere else, I don't want to flagellate myself for it."

It doesn't matter whether or not he wants these things to happen. He still has to accept they will.

She'd already mentioned earlier how the two of them managed to talk about surprisingly little, perhaps, for how close they've become. Having different reasons for not wanting to talk much about themselves doesn't change the outcome, to be sure.

So he says that and she hesitates, distracted from her own point with a questioning look, inviting it now.

Ah. Fair enough. Astarion clears his throat.

"I got through a lot of my vile and interminable sex life by...absenting myself from it. Going somewhere else in my head, while my body went through the motions. The books call it 'dissociation'. It wasn't a conscious decision, more of a reflex. And it's never happened with you or Jacob, but...I can't guarantee it never will, and I don't want any of us to feel responsible if it does."

Something in her eyes softens, but she's not surprised. He'd need something, of course. Mental distance would have been all that was reliably available to him.

She ignores, for now, that he's apparently been doing some reading on psychology. Instead she shakes her head.

"There's going to be at least a little of that. You realize that, right? Caring about someone else means... doing your best not to hurt them, and when they do hurt anyway, all we can look at are the things we did or didn't do. It's just important not to let it settle there, and we're - I hope we're doing alright with that."

"I think we are. That's what I'm saying - there will be a little bit of that. Including in you, and the way you react to me. I don't want either of us to feel like we've done something wrong. That's all."

She doesn't, entirely, understand.

The part of her that is always pushing, always fighting, always sharp wants to push again but that's not who she needs to be here, with him. She searches his face, eyebrows pulled faintly together, and searches for the sweet spot where she can just... let it stand.

"So you just don't want to tell me I taste bad, huh?" is the joke she manages after a moment. "Alright, I'll drop it."

Astarion gets that she doesn't want to pursue this, and he's happy to let it go. He thinks he's made the point he wanted to make, and if she needs some time to digest it, that's fine.

"Hells, love, don't even joke," he teases back, giving her a nuzzle. "You are delicious."

What she hears is being turned down for a second time, and she doesn't understand it - doesn't understand how her method for trying to deal with her trauma reflects on his - but the salient part is being turned down.

She hums approval, the arm she's slid around him reaching up to card through his hair.

"I missed you."

"I missed you too."

He closes his eyes, tilts his head into her touch.

"Not for nearly as long, but I did. When I was back home, I saw you when I was meditating. I couldn't place you in my memories, but - you felt like home."

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