"I can't because I don't think that," he growls, because Nameless Mists if he could erase 'fake chipper voice' from reality, he would. He hates it. "What I was saying was the opposite of that. That it's good you can tell someone that you think they're an asshole or that you disagree with something and you know I won't hurt you or make you pay for it or make you do something like apologize or make you do the work. I-"
And he lowers his voice.
"Are you forgetting what I saw during the flood? Because I didn't. That's what I think is good: you having chances to dislike things loudly and publicly."
He huffs again and shakes his head.
"I disagreed with you but I didn't use any power. I didn't tell you to stop speaking. I didn't tell Zack to back off, because it was your fight to have with him outside of me making sure he wasn't going to force you to anything. And I didn't tell you to stop arguing: you stopped on your own. And I tried to give you space to be angry at me afterwards so you knew it was okay and you didn't need to deal with me."
Astarion couldn't forget what John saw during the flood if he wanted to. And he does want to.
"Thank you for your benificence," he says sweetly, briefly turning to him to offer an exaggerated, sweeping bow. "However, I am already extremely good at disliking things and people, and I still did not need you to show up and underline the fact that the two of you had already made a decision on the small matter of whether or not I can be forced to serve."
"It's not beneficence! And I wasn't trying to underline anything! And it isn't serving." His tone turns grumpy. "Just because it reminds you of shit doesn't make it the same thing."
"All right. Well, my plan from here was to go to a tavern, and I wasn't
intending to leave alone. So unless you'd like me and whatever new friend I
make to put your new body through its paces, you can go and find something
equally boring yet different."
"Except you don't want to be alone. You just said that! And I left you alone for days and it didn't fix anything. it only made everything worse so until we fix this, I'm not going anywhere."
"What part of avoiding me and not answering my calls is 'fine', exactly?" he snaps back. "What part of you thinking I like flaunting my power over you, which I fucking don't, is 'fine'?"
A little less heat and a little lower.
"...I would have liked shopping with you. I wanted to ask if you'd like helping me pick out things for the wardrobe, since Arthur wasn't able to. I thought it would be fun."
"Then why didn't you just tell me when I butted in at all?" He answers, sounding less angry and more just... frustrated. "You can tell me to fuck off: I'll listen if you tell me with something like that, but letting me fuck up and then being upset-"
He lets out a (fake) breath.
"I hate that you thought that for a whole week. But I don't want you to apologize to me, especially if it's to just make me leave. I want to be better."
Astarion did not think at any point that John enjoyed butting in and
exercising his influence as his warden. The fact that he did it anyway is
actually kind of worse? But he's already exhausted by this conversation.
"...Why would I believe that you'd have fucked off back then, when I am
trying to make you fuck off right now and you refuse?"
"I'm telling you that this is the first time I have experienced real sunlight, real weather and indeed real anything except the inside of that godsforsaken ship in months, and you are free to harass me when that's over but not. Fucking. Now."
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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And he lowers his voice.
"Are you forgetting what I saw during the flood? Because I didn't. That's what I think is good: you having chances to dislike things loudly and publicly."
He huffs again and shakes his head.
"I disagreed with you but I didn't use any power. I didn't tell you to stop speaking. I didn't tell Zack to back off, because it was your fight to have with him outside of me making sure he wasn't going to force you to anything. And I didn't tell you to stop arguing: you stopped on your own. And I tried to give you space to be angry at me afterwards so you knew it was okay and you didn't need to deal with me."
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Astarion couldn't forget what John saw during the flood if he wanted to. And he does want to.
"Thank you for your benificence," he says sweetly, briefly turning to him to offer an exaggerated, sweeping bow. "However, I am already extremely good at disliking things and people, and I still did not need you to show up and underline the fact that the two of you had already made a decision on the small matter of whether or not I can be forced to serve."
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"It's not beneficence! And I wasn't trying to underline anything! And it isn't serving." His tone turns grumpy. "Just because it reminds you of shit doesn't make it the same thing."
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"All right."
His tone goes from saccharine to flat neutral in no time at all. His pace remains measured, though he isn't really going anywhere.
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But he won't say anything. He's just going to walk with him.
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Astarion permits this.
For a solid ten minutes.
"...Have you truly nothing better to do with your day?"
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"All right. Well, my plan from here was to go to a tavern, and I wasn't intending to leave alone. So unless you'd like me and whatever new friend I make to put your new body through its paces, you can go and find something equally boring yet different."
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"This is an illusion. So no. And if you're going to a tavern, I'll wait downstairs. I can pretend to drink."
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Astarion sighs.
"Hells. I assume this clinging is my punishment for not responding to your messages?"
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"And I'm not clinging. I just-
"I won't want to be anywhere else. I won't get in your way. I won't interfere."
He's been so fucking lonely and he hates it.
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"Ugh. You are clinging. And if not specifically to annoy me, then why?"
He's not that empathetic even when he's trying to be, and right now he is not trying.
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"I missed you, you stupid fuck. Is that really that strange of an idea?!"
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"Yes!" Astarion snaps back. "And even if it wasn't, missing me is not a good enough reason to just ignore my interest in being left alone!"
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"What exactly is the 'this' you want to fix?" he asks. "Everything was fine until you started following me about like a lost infant."
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A little less heat and a little lower.
"...I would have liked shopping with you. I wanted to ask if you'd like helping me pick out things for the wardrobe, since Arthur wasn't able to. I thought it would be fun."
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Astarion ignores that last part. He's been buying clothes for himself without recourse to other people needs or tastes and that has been fun.
"...I don't think you liked it," he says. "And I'm sorry I ignored your messages. It won't happen again."
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He lets out a (fake) breath.
"I hate that you thought that for a whole week. But I don't want you to apologize to me, especially if it's to just make me leave. I want to be better."
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Astarion did not think at any point that John enjoyed butting in and exercising his influence as his warden. The fact that he did it anyway is actually kind of worse? But he's already exhausted by this conversation.
"...Why would I believe that you'd have fucked off back then, when I am trying to make you fuck off right now and you refuse?"
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"I'm telling you that this is the first time I have experienced real sunlight, real weather and indeed real anything except the inside of that godsforsaken ship in months, and you are free to harass me when that's over but not. Fucking. Now."
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Step back. No expression in his voice either.
"Have a good time."
And he's going to start walking, away this time.