"Except you don't want to be alone. You just said that! And I left you alone for days and it didn't fix anything. it only made everything worse so until we fix this, I'm not going anywhere."
"What part of avoiding me and not answering my calls is 'fine', exactly?" he snaps back. "What part of you thinking I like flaunting my power over you, which I fucking don't, is 'fine'?"
A little less heat and a little lower.
"...I would have liked shopping with you. I wanted to ask if you'd like helping me pick out things for the wardrobe, since Arthur wasn't able to. I thought it would be fun."
"Then why didn't you just tell me when I butted in at all?" He answers, sounding less angry and more just... frustrated. "You can tell me to fuck off: I'll listen if you tell me with something like that, but letting me fuck up and then being upset-"
He lets out a (fake) breath.
"I hate that you thought that for a whole week. But I don't want you to apologize to me, especially if it's to just make me leave. I want to be better."
Astarion did not think at any point that John enjoyed butting in and
exercising his influence as his warden. The fact that he did it anyway is
actually kind of worse? But he's already exhausted by this conversation.
"...Why would I believe that you'd have fucked off back then, when I am
trying to make you fuck off right now and you refuse?"
"I'm telling you that this is the first time I have experienced real sunlight, real weather and indeed real anything except the inside of that godsforsaken ship in months, and you are free to harass me when that's over but not. Fucking. Now."
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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"And I'm not clinging. I just-
"I won't want to be anywhere else. I won't get in your way. I won't interfere."
He's been so fucking lonely and he hates it.
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"Ugh. You are clinging. And if not specifically to annoy me, then why?"
He's not that empathetic even when he's trying to be, and right now he is not trying.
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"I missed you, you stupid fuck. Is that really that strange of an idea?!"
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"Yes!" Astarion snaps back. "And even if it wasn't, missing me is not a good enough reason to just ignore my interest in being left alone!"
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"What exactly is the 'this' you want to fix?" he asks. "Everything was fine until you started following me about like a lost infant."
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A little less heat and a little lower.
"...I would have liked shopping with you. I wanted to ask if you'd like helping me pick out things for the wardrobe, since Arthur wasn't able to. I thought it would be fun."
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Astarion ignores that last part. He's been buying clothes for himself without recourse to other people needs or tastes and that has been fun.
"...I don't think you liked it," he says. "And I'm sorry I ignored your messages. It won't happen again."
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He lets out a (fake) breath.
"I hate that you thought that for a whole week. But I don't want you to apologize to me, especially if it's to just make me leave. I want to be better."
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Astarion did not think at any point that John enjoyed butting in and exercising his influence as his warden. The fact that he did it anyway is actually kind of worse? But he's already exhausted by this conversation.
"...Why would I believe that you'd have fucked off back then, when I am trying to make you fuck off right now and you refuse?"
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"I'm telling you that this is the first time I have experienced real sunlight, real weather and indeed real anything except the inside of that godsforsaken ship in months, and you are free to harass me when that's over but not. Fucking. Now."
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Step back. No expression in his voice either.
"Have a good time."
And he's going to start walking, away this time.