"Were you?" He moves in front of him now, the dim light from the lamp casting shadows along both of them.
"I don't know shit about relationships or friendships. I only know survival. But you make surviving this place bearable. And you don't even fucking know it."
He looks down, trying to keep his head on straight. Casual fucks don't play in the goddamn snow. Casual fucks don't go on walks. Casual bucks don't spill their goddamn secrets. Casual bucks don't stand in front of an abuser for each other.
That's Jacob's line, but he doesn't know what the answer is. He doesn't know what the options are.
"I said I wanted friendship. So - that. You're fucked up. I'm fucked up. It doesn't mean we have to go ride off into the goddamn sunset." He's scrambling a little, his mouth getting ahead of his brain. He's almost panicked.
"But I want you not to run off like I don't mean shit. I want to show you things you haven't seen before like I did today. I want to hear about your weird as fuck magic world. I want to - I dont know. Hate Cazador with you and figure shit out. That's all I want."
For a moment, Astarion feels a sharp spike of something like nostalgia for
a time when things were simple. When his longest relationships lasted a
few hours and ended as his partner walked away under Cazador's thrall, as
meek as a lamb. When it was understood that he was unfit for anything more
ambitious, anything more emotional, anything that might (gods forbid)
benefit either party.
He's too weak to be cruel right now. It was easy to spit acid at John
Gaius when he was on his way off the ship regardless, but here and now? He
can't afford to lose what few allies he has. He can't burn this bridge.
Not yet. He can't extend the mercy of letting Jacob know that he's seeing
something in him that simply isn't there.
"I don't do...'friends'. I haven't. Historically."
He almost laughs. "Yeah, no shit. You're really bad at it. You were locked away and - fucking enslaved for what? Centuries? I've only known you a few months."
He steps back, raking fingers through his hair.
"I'm not expecting a goddamn miracle. Just - all that shit I just said."
"Yeah. Well, if I can't have both, I'd rather have the one that actually means the most," he mutters.
And he can get sex if he wants it. Which is a surprising thing. But someone being on his level, appreciating things he does, cutting him down when he needs it? That's what he actually cares about.
Astarion does them both the favour of not pointing out that he could very
easily have continued having both, if he'd just let him go back to his own
cabin.
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"I don't know shit about relationships or friendships. I only know survival. But you make surviving this place bearable. And you don't even fucking know it."
He looks down, trying to keep his head on straight. Casual fucks don't play in the goddamn snow. Casual fucks don't go on walks. Casual bucks don't spill their goddamn secrets. Casual bucks don't stand in front of an abuser for each other.
They have been that for a long time.
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Well, he knows now.
It...does not sit comfortably with him.
"...I don't know what you want from me."
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That's Jacob's line, but he doesn't know what the answer is. He doesn't know what the options are.
"I said I wanted friendship. So - that. You're fucked up. I'm fucked up. It doesn't mean we have to go ride off into the goddamn sunset." He's scrambling a little, his mouth getting ahead of his brain. He's almost panicked.
"But I want you not to run off like I don't mean shit. I want to show you things you haven't seen before like I did today. I want to hear about your weird as fuck magic world. I want to - I dont know. Hate Cazador with you and figure shit out. That's all I want."
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For a moment, Astarion feels a sharp spike of something like nostalgia for a time when things were simple. When his longest relationships lasted a few hours and ended as his partner walked away under Cazador's thrall, as meek as a lamb. When it was understood that he was unfit for anything more ambitious, anything more emotional, anything that might (gods forbid) benefit either party.
He's too weak to be cruel right now. It was easy to spit acid at John Gaius when he was on his way off the ship regardless, but here and now? He can't afford to lose what few allies he has. He can't burn this bridge. Not yet. He can't extend the mercy of letting Jacob know that he's seeing something in him that simply isn't there.
"I don't do...'friends'. I haven't. Historically."
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He steps back, raking fingers through his hair.
"I'm not expecting a goddamn miracle. Just - all that shit I just said."
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'Just' do all that shit. 'Just' be close to someone, bond with them, learn about them, trust them. He is expecting a goddamn miracle.
"I will be very bad at it, and you'll be missing out on some exceptionally good sex, but if this is what you want..."
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And he can get sex if he wants it. Which is a surprising thing. But someone being on his level, appreciating things he does, cutting him down when he needs it? That's what he actually cares about.
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Astarion does them both the favour of not pointing out that he could very easily have continued having both, if he'd just let him go back to his own cabin.
"I...all right, then."
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He is fully expecting not to see Astarion for a while, but Jacob also doesn't want to sit with his feelings, thank you very much.
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"Pleasant dreams, darling."
He's just going to...go lie under his cat and feel strange for a while.
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