As soon as he takes his hand, Jacob grabs on tightly, letting Astarion's grip ground him to this moment here. He feels thirty years younger, listening to his parents argue and fight in the next room. He feels ridiculous, but he can't stop himself from leaning on his shoulder.
"I've had the nightmares before, but it's been a long time since - that."
Astarion puts his other arm around him. It's not comfortable still, the
squirming in his gut is still there, but it's hardly as if that sensation
is a novelty.
"You were trained to react to all this in a certain way," he murmurs.
"It's no surprise that you did."
There were lots of reasons why Jacob lived alone. Why he was always alone. Why he preferred to live his life alone.
This is one of them. The shame and vulnerability that comes with being this fucking broken all the time is - overwhelming. He doesn't even know how Astarion can be touching him now, let alone giving him any sort of affection.
He's afraid of waking up to it alone. He's afraid of what it would mean to lose himself again, like he did so many times at home. He breathes in and there's a hint of a shudder in the sound. "No. It's better with you."
"I'm fine," he murmurs, a soothing lie, but it feels...different? It's not
the kind of lie where he's swallowing bile to keep himself safe from the
other party's displeasure. It's just...Jacob needs him right now. One of
them needs to be fully functional, and right now, it can only be Astarion.
"We can stay here."
He nods against him, choosing to thank him with this rather than with words. "Think I can finish sleeping here?" he asks. "I will probably hit the first person I see if I try and go back."
He's shaky as he stands, feeling as if he had run the deck. All of his muscles are sore and twitchy, and it takes all he has to simply stand up and return to bed.
"I think I bruised my fucking back," he grumbles, but he's glad for it. Reminds him of where he is.
That sounds - phenomenal. Jacob hasn't had anything like that for as long as he can remember, but it's exactly the sort of touch that seems productive to him right now.
"Yeah, actually. That'd be great," he tells him, sliding onto his stomach on the bed. "What did it help for you?"
He settles his hands underneath his cheek, turning his head and closing his eyes. He's intrigued, of course, especially since he knows that touch is so difficult for Astarion sometimes.
"Sounds like you need a few more of 'em," he remarks.
Jacob is nothing but knots and scars and tense muscles, but he does try and relax under Astarion's touch. It's nice and firm, which he likes, and the thin t-shirt offers very little resistance between them.
"I don't mind," he tells him.
"Are you - doing better with the touch thing, then?" He doesn't know if this means that he is, or that he's hiding it better.
"I don't want that, either." He breathes in, lets it out after a moment, then shifts as Astarion hits a sore spot. He doesn't tell him to stop, though.
He couldn't quite say it to Rosita. He talked around it and then let her
make an inference which had become quite obvious. Here and now, he's
afraid. He's actively touching Jacob. However he responds to the truth,
Astarion will feel it.
But maybe he should feel that. Whatever shock and revulsion Jacob feels
on learning what his lover is capable of. He deserves it.
"During the breach, I - forced myself, on someone else."
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
"Of course."
He sets Aylin down close by and slides in next to him, making it very clear that he's reaching for his hand before he takes it.
no subject
"I've had the nightmares before, but it's been a long time since - that."
no subject
Astarion puts his other arm around him. It's not comfortable still, the squirming in his gut is still there, but it's hardly as if that sensation is a novelty.
"You were trained to react to all this in a certain way," he murmurs. "It's no surprise that you did."
no subject
"I know," he breathes, and he doesn't move, simply basking in this moment as his whole chest aches from the ordeal.
"Fuck. I'm- glad you're here." Astarion told him about the boat once. He - knows what to do, but it was better having a lifeline.
no subject
"I'm glad you're here," Astarion murmurs, and kisses his temple. "I don't care to imagine you waking up to this alone."
no subject
This is one of them. The shame and vulnerability that comes with being this fucking broken all the time is - overwhelming. He doesn't even know how Astarion can be touching him now, let alone giving him any sort of affection.
He's afraid of waking up to it alone. He's afraid of what it would mean to lose himself again, like he did so many times at home. He breathes in and there's a hint of a shudder in the sound. "No. It's better with you."
no subject
"Good."
Astarion can hear his heartbeat slowly decelerating, but the hitch in his breathing registers, too. His own discomfort pales into unimportance.
"What would you like to do now?"
Keep sitting here for a while, or return to bed, or something else entirely - that he has the choice feels more important than what he chooses.
no subject
"This is - this is fine for now, I think."
He still grips his hand, still uses him for support, but each moment grows more and more distant.
"Are - you alright?" he mutters, remembering bit by bit how tense the air had been since the breach.
no subject
"I'm fine," he murmurs, a soothing lie, but it feels...different? It's not the kind of lie where he's swallowing bile to keep himself safe from the other party's displeasure. It's just...Jacob needs him right now. One of them needs to be fully functional, and right now, it can only be Astarion. "We can stay here."
no subject
Jacob's grateful for it and he stays there a few moments longer before he feels that he might be able to move.
He gives Astarion's hand one last squeeze and then sits up.
"What happened to the alarms?"
no subject
"Oh, I destroyed them," he says mildly. "I suppose they could be repaired. I could ask my warden about making my cabin soundproof?"
no subject
"You'd do that for me?"
The idea that someone would go out of their way for him, for Astarion to ask his warden for this, is overwhelming.
He sits there, a little lost, before he just pulls him into a thankful embrace.
no subject
Astarion briefly startles, but returns the hug quickly, holding on tight. One hand reaches up to cradle the back of his head.
"I don't like loud noises either," he chuckles softly. "But yes. I can do that for both of us."
no subject
no subject
"I insist," Astarion says firmly. "I'll also cast a vote for returning to bed, however."
no subject
"I think I bruised my fucking back," he grumbles, but he's glad for it. Reminds him of where he is.
no subject
"...Rosita gave me a massage a little while ago, and it helped," Astarion says, as he more smoothly rises to his feet. "Would you like me to...?"
It's a heavy step back into touch and intimacy, but it feels much less loaded than anything explicitly sexual.
no subject
"Yeah, actually. That'd be great," he tells him, sliding onto his stomach on the bed. "What did it help for you?"
no subject
"It was relaxing," he recalls. "And it wasn't something I'd ever experienced before. It was just...a nice way to be touched."
No baggage, no expectation, no anxiety. Even while his body was going slack and loose, his mind could stay fully in that moment.
no subject
"Sounds like you need a few more of 'em," he remarks.
no subject
Astarion finds some balm for his hands, and squeezes a little onto one palm. It's unscented.
"Rosita thought so too, I think. She wasn't wrong. My hands are rather cool, I'm afraid - I'll start with your shoulders."
Both warnings so that hopefully he won't tense up too badly when his hands settle down and start to slowly press at his skin and muscle.
no subject
"I don't mind," he tells him.
"Are you - doing better with the touch thing, then?" He doesn't know if this means that he is, or that he's hiding it better.
no subject
"I'm...trying to," he says. "Do better. I don't...I can't just shut myself away into a box for all eternity. I don't want that."
no subject
"What happened?" he asks instead.
no subject
"I..."
He couldn't quite say it to Rosita. He talked around it and then let her make an inference which had become quite obvious. Here and now, he's afraid. He's actively touching Jacob. However he responds to the truth, Astarion will feel it.
But maybe he should feel that. Whatever shock and revulsion Jacob feels on learning what his lover is capable of. He deserves it.
"During the breach, I - forced myself, on someone else."
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)