He's been much more effective at defending himself, more effective at saving people, better at making allies, gathering resources, and not dying than he was when he couldn't let his guard down or rest properly in a safe place.
That kind of constant vigilance wears you down, makes you reactive, loses you opportunities, and worst of all, it makes you predictable and easier to manipulate. Especially because you think it doesn't.
I survived for two hundred years, and when it was necessary I established alliances and gathered resources and all the rest of it, and at no point did I seek out feelings of safety.
[ He's going to bite back the much meaner version of what he's about to say (thank you, therapy) and goes with something a little more conducive to conversation. ]
You survived because you were being manipulated and used by something more powerful than you. Something that taught you to keep alliances at a distance and didn't let you gather resources he didn't approve of because those would actually give you a chance to free yourself or fight him. And the moment that you couldn't be manipulated and used, when Cazador no longer wanted you to survive... what happened?
[There's several minutes' pause before he responds.]
Thank you. I appreciate the reminder that I have not for centuries been anything more than the pawn of a more powerful being. The point you're actually making is that no amount of feeling safe would have ever made a difference.
No. It's a reminder that he made everything in your life work towards being able to keep you as a pawn and that the survival skills that you learned in that situation don't apply to everywhere.
However, it's still a little rich to be talking to me about feeling safe when there's blood being cleaned off the walls. Or when you came to me in the first place to tell me about someone who might choose to attack me.
Do you think I told you this so you'd feel like I'm a nice little overlord and you have to appreciate it so I don't fuck with you? Or that I expect thanks?
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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Because it isn't really a punishment. It's a consequence.
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You should be able to feel whatever the fuck you want to feel. And you should definitely be able to feel safe sometimes.
Being on guard all the time isn't good for you. It isn't even good for your safety.
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Do you have any evidence for that?
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I have answers for both, but I want to answer you properly.
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The last part. About safety.
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He's been much more effective at defending himself, more effective at saving people, better at making allies, gathering resources, and not dying than he was when he couldn't let his guard down or rest properly in a safe place.
That kind of constant vigilance wears you down, makes you reactive, loses you opportunities, and worst of all, it makes you predictable and easier to manipulate. Especially because you think it doesn't.
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If all you have are anecdotes, then I could just as easily offer myself as a counter-example.
This is why I suggested we agree to disagree.
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I survived for two hundred years, and when it was necessary I established alliances and gathered resources and all the rest of it, and at no point did I seek out feelings of safety.
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You survived because you were being manipulated and used by something more powerful than you. Something that taught you to keep alliances at a distance and didn't let you gather resources he didn't approve of because those would actually give you a chance to free yourself or fight him. And the moment that you couldn't be manipulated and used, when Cazador no longer wanted you to survive... what happened?
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[There's several minutes' pause before he responds.]
Thank you. I appreciate the reminder that I have not for centuries been anything more than the pawn of a more powerful being. The point you're actually making is that no amount of feeling safe would have ever made a difference.
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He never let you feel safe.
And he did that on purpose.
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I don't disagree on that one, singular point.
However, it's still a little rich to be talking to me about feeling safe when there's blood being cleaned off the walls. Or when you came to me in the first place to tell me about someone who might choose to attack me.
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This time I told you something I did to make sure he couldn't get into your room without your express permission.
In general, assigned cabins are safe zones. So I tried to make it safer.
...I didn't say any of this shit is easy, Astarion. It doesn't come to me naturally either.
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...I appreciate you telling me about the efforts you've made.
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No.
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I think you told me so that I'd understand what was happening if he tried to get into my cabin and couldn't.
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That is why.
And so you didn't have to worry about it. But it turns out you weren't anyway.
...and cause it's your room.
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Yes, yes. I rather like him, actually. If he wants to pay a visit I'll probably just let him.
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Okay.
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Okay.
I look forward to learning about the next lunatic targeting you and your other half.
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[ The most neutral intonation. ]