"I had a therapist help me unpack this once," he laughs. "But uh - it's probably because even the routine here feels forced. You don't have a job, but you'd only have one because someone made you. That's not a routine you created."
Astarion pulls a face for a moment - not out of any protest over the
question, just because it's never occurred to him to reflect on it.
"It feels like...like I'm walking down a narrow hallway, with doors on each
side that I'd be punished for opening. And it never ends. It never
changes."
He passes a hand over his mouth, frowning, as something occurs to him.
"I think...if there's any hesitation I have about the idea of a quiet life
out in the wilderness, it's that. Things becoming routine.
Feeling...trapped."
"Alright," he says, taking the statement with the sincerity it deserves.
"That's why we stay near the city," he adds. "So you can fuck off, go enjoy yourself, have your adventures. If Ro comes with us, she's gonna need that too. I'm happy keeping house by myself for a while."
Could it really be so simple? To just...let his wanderlust take him, to
have his adventures, and yet have somewhere to call home when it was done?
It feels so...
...it feels like freedom. So tantalising as to be dangerous.
"Mm." He's a bit too deep in his own head to form words on the subject.
"Ah, yes. Well. You seem to have neglected to place any conditions around
your request? I'm sure I can find some lovely petticoats in the communal
wardrobe."
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Astarion huffs and leans into Jacob's shoulder.
"But being in control feels better. Shouldn't it be easier to feel in control if I know what's going to happen? Like you say."
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"Not that creating my own routines feels any better," Astarion sighs, then groans. "I'll stop. Whining isn't an attractive quality."
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He leans over and kisses the top of his head. "What does it feel like? To have a routine?"
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Astarion pulls a face for a moment - not out of any protest over the question, just because it's never occurred to him to reflect on it.
"It feels like...like I'm walking down a narrow hallway, with doors on each side that I'd be punished for opening. And it never ends. It never changes."
He passes a hand over his mouth, frowning, as something occurs to him.
"I think...if there's any hesitation I have about the idea of a quiet life out in the wilderness, it's that. Things becoming routine. Feeling...trapped."
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"That's why we stay near the city," he adds. "So you can fuck off, go enjoy yourself, have your adventures. If Ro comes with us, she's gonna need that too. I'm happy keeping house by myself for a while."
And he knows he needs to be by himself sometimes.
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Could it really be so simple? To just...let his wanderlust take him, to have his adventures, and yet have somewhere to call home when it was done? It feels so...
...it feels like freedom. So tantalising as to be dangerous.
"Mm." He's a bit too deep in his own head to form words on the subject.
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"You ready to go back?" he wonders, breaking the silence.
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"I - yes, thank you."
He pauses a moment, then leans in and kisses Jacob, gently.
"...Thank you."
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He, of course, does not know what his gift will be.
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Astarion tsks at him, but he's smiling.
"Jacob, if this is your idea of dress-up, I don't even know what to say to you."
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In a very fair contest.
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"Ah, yes. Well. You seem to have neglected to place any conditions around your request? I'm sure I can find some lovely petticoats in the communal wardrobe."
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Astarion huffs, though he's still in good spirits.
"Fine. I'll pick out something very predictable and masculine for you."
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