"I don't know," he admits. "But it didn't stop everything from crashing down around them. Joseph lost John, and me, and he will probably lose Faith. He worked - so fucking hard to bring us all together. That was the whole point. And he lost us."
Jacob swallows hard, the realization hitting him hard, saddling him with weight across his shoulders.
"So no. Even if he survived and kept the Project - he'd just be a shell."
That's how he'd felt, walking away from Jedao when it was done. A steel
shell, a gleaming suit of armour, powerful and untouchable. Protecting
something vile and rotten - not just protecting it. Hiding it.
"I want more than that," he whispers. It feels so...naive, almost, to
imagine there could even be more.
It's a nice idea. He really, truly wants to believe it. He would love
to believe that he can have happiness and not poison it just by way of
being who and what he is.
He doesn't answer. Just lowers his head and leans into Jacob's hands.
Astarion might argue that he was trying to do something nice for Jacob, but
Jacob says I want and it's easy to just...let it happen. It's not as if
he doesn't like being held.
He deflates into his embrace, wrapping his own arms around him in turn.
"Better," he assures him. "And - thanks to you, the alarms won't go off
again." Not tonight, at least.
It's rare that Jacob feels safe with someone. Like they could protect him
instead of the other way around, but Astarion has proven himself in this.
"You saved me from that."
"I saved this entire floor from that, but you're the only one I plan on
sleeping with," Astarion teases, because it's hard to deal with how he
feels about being considered Jacob's saviour. Even in this small way.
He leans into the kiss, cupping his jaw and pressing just a little. He
sinks into him, that small touch just enough to undo at least some of the
damage done by the alarm.
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Astarion frowns and looks away.
"Safety. Security. Freedom I can defend."
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"You can have that," he says, and its an argument they've had before. But not after he's had a taste.
"I already watched two people I love turn into someone they would have hated. The cost for what you want is huge."
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"Were they happy?"
He doesn't even know why he's asking. If the answer is yes - and he sincerely doubts it will be - that won't persuade him either way.
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Jacob swallows hard, the realization hitting him hard, saddling him with weight across his shoulders.
"So no. Even if he survived and kept the Project - he'd just be a shell."
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A shell.
That's how he'd felt, walking away from Jedao when it was done. A steel shell, a gleaming suit of armour, powerful and untouchable. Protecting something vile and rotten - not just protecting it. Hiding it.
"I want more than that," he whispers. It feels so...naive, almost, to imagine there could even be more.
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"Yeah, me too," he says and then places his hands on Astarion's shoulders. "You can have it. Safe and secure and fucking happy," he tells him.
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It's a nice idea. He really, truly wants to believe it. He would love to believe that he can have happiness and not poison it just by way of being who and what he is.
He doesn't answer. Just lowers his head and leans into Jacob's hands.
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Jacob wraps his arms loosely around Astarion and plants a soft kiss on his forehead.
"Come on. I - just want to hold you a while, okay?"
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Astarion might argue that he was trying to do something nice for Jacob, but Jacob says I want and it's easy to just...let it happen. It's not as if he doesn't like being held.
He deflates into his embrace, wrapping his own arms around him in turn.
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This is nicer than the massage. This is nicer than anything else. He settles down in the bed again, on his side, and holds out an arm for Astarion.
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He settles in close, resting his brow on Jacob's shoulder. His body is warm, his scent familiar, his pulse steady and reassuring.
"...How are you feeling?"
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"Better," he assures him. "And - thanks to you, the alarms won't go off again." Not tonight, at least.
It's rare that Jacob feels safe with someone. Like they could protect him instead of the other way around, but Astarion has proven himself in this. "You saved me from that."
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"I saved this entire floor from that, but you're the only one I plan on sleeping with," Astarion teases, because it's hard to deal with how he feels about being considered Jacob's saviour. Even in this small way.
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He chuckles. "Oh, lucky me," he murmurs, but he holds him close. "Can I kiss you - or is that too much?"
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"You can kiss me."
In fact, he tilts his head up and closes the distance, his lips parting slightly against Jacob's.
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He leans into the kiss, cupping his jaw and pressing just a little. He sinks into him, that small touch just enough to undo at least some of the damage done by the alarm.
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Astarion waits for him to break the kiss, his brow resting gently against Jacob's.
"I..."
He swallows words which he knows he'll regret.
"I know it's not been long at all, but I did miss doing that."
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Jacob strokes his jaw with his thumb, toying with a silvery steand of hair near his ear.
"I did, too. It's been - a long fucking week. So feel free to do that any time you want."
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He smiles, an involuntary shiver of pleasure going through him when Jacob's fingers brush up against his ear.
"I intend to."
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He moves over, resting his head against Astarion's shoulder. For once, he's comfortable being the one asking for support.
"Good. Wake me up if I snore," he mutters.
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"Shan't," Astarion says primly, and reaches for the bedsheets to draw up around them. "I won't even notice. Don't worry."
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"Right, right. Trance thing," he mutters, but he's already slipping off to sleep.
It won't matter much, as Jacob is up and down with nightmares all night, but at least he's easily settled with Astarion right there with him.