Collins didn't know either but his voice dropped lower automatically. "Tha music I hear with me ears. Tha music I hear in me head--it's a right cacophony now. I think it'd be a lament if only it didn't sound like caterwauling cats instead."
The music I hear in my head. That's not the most encouraging statement in
the world, but Astarion has spent no small length of time with a psychic
slug in his head and various extraplanar monsters fighting over his brain.
He's not in a position to judge.
"She doesn't know about that...side effect, I'm assuming. Has she given you
any sense of when she'll stop?"
"Doubtful," he replied. He hadn't talked about the orchestra in his head to anyone here so far. Astarion was the first. (Arthur Lester should have known but he claimed not to remember the Butcher, and Collins was inclined to start believing it. A real shame.) Collins sighed bitterly.
"No. When she deems it time? When a warden gets assigned ta me and finally gets ta requestin' it away? I don't know."
And in the meantime, someone who was already slightly unbalanced will be hearing discordant noise in his head...often? Constantly? It doesn't sound like it's going to have a salutary effect on him, but Astarion supposes that's the point of a punishment.
"If you'd like me to slit your throat and see if dying makes it wear off, we could try it. Though, she might just recast the thing."
Collins blinked in surprise but the expression vanished into a mild demeanor as he genuinely considered the offer. He sighed. "I suppose she would. I'd hate ta get ya into trouble fer tryin' it, lad."
He did sound sincere. Even if it had been more of a joke at least the attempt at levity to the situation was appreciated. He seemed to percolate a bit more on the idea.
"It's an interesting idea. I wouldn't have thought of it as an option. I know fer sure tha truth now, how death works here, but it still seems...strange." A brief pause and then his voice dipped slightly. "Besides, I hate losin'."
"Fair enough, fair enough. Besides, I've died and been brought back myself
- not here, but quite recently. It's certainly better than the alternative
but it still hurts."
"Hmm," he mused softly. "Suppose that makes sense. No use in goin' through that needlessly then."
He rubbed a hand along his throat idly as if the thought of how it would feel nagged at him. He dropped his hand and sighed again. It was a sighing kind of day.
"...suppose I'll just have ta keep ta dull things," he said quietly. "Don't want tha music gettin' all loud and the like. Bad enough as it is."
He closed his eyes for a moment. "Aye," he said. "A good hunt particularly gets it goin'. The music swells with tha chase, changes dynamics like a duet sung between two lovers, makes my heart beat faster."
He opened his eyes and met Astarion's eyes. He didn't shrug but the impression might have hung in the air anyway. "It's beautiful."
"I can't imagine. But then, hunting is satisfying to me for...other
reasons."
It also makes Ulla's punishment particularly effective, even if she doesn't
realise it. If he's reluctant to pursue anything that might make the music
louder, more thrilling - more dissonant and jarring - then it'll certainly
make him less violent.
Would it though? Would it make him less violent? Or would it drive him to such insanity that it led to another outburst? Only time would tell.
"Hmm," if a simple noise could sound disappointed then this one did. The lad played music, he must had appreciated it on some level. Then could he not imagine its beautiful swell and how it could move a person to emotion? It seemed stranger not to be able to than to not for Collins.
"That have ta do with yer...vampire thing?" He asked, not quite attempting to be delicate about it once he decided there wasn't much of a way to be.
Collins considered that. He knew that his temper was thin these days, and that he purposefully sought out conflict for the sake of it. That he enjoyed it. But it was also his job and he prided himself on that point. That was-
Well. Astarion had his point either way. It may have been fun, but there were far more consequences here than there every had been back home. He'd been too good at getting away with it, back there. He had no hope of it, here.
"So ya just let it be." Not a question. A statement mirroring his own bitterness at what it was in this place. "And it doesn't bother ya at all? Ta give up something ya love ta do?"
"What I love is not starving to death," he says primly. "Being able to
push a knife between someone's ribs is sometimes quite satisfying, yes, but
- context is everything."
"But I didn't ask ya whether you'd give it up or not," he countered quickly. "I asked whether it bothered ya at all or not. Even a little when ya really think about it. Livin' is one thing, enjoyin' that life is another."
Astarion hums and looks up at the panes of glass overhead.
"...nutritional needs aside, being able to turn a problem into a corpse was always a nice option to have, and it's not one I have any more," he admits. "So, yes, it bothers me a little."
That seemed to settle the killer a bit. As if he had known it was there all along and he just needed to hear it, and now that it was confirmed he felt satisfied. Perhaps it was only as if looking for a reflection in a mirror.
"See now that's reasonable. Nothin' like havin' something taken away from ya ta realize how much ya relied on it. How useful it is. And how annoyin' it is ta be taken."
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timeasmymeasure
no subject
Date: 2023-11-11 08:30 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2023-11-11 08:47 pm (UTC)The music I hear in my head. That's not the most encouraging statement in the world, but Astarion has spent no small length of time with a psychic slug in his head and various extraplanar monsters fighting over his brain. He's not in a position to judge.
"She doesn't know about that...side effect, I'm assuming. Has she given you any sense of when she'll stop?"
no subject
Date: 2023-11-11 08:57 pm (UTC)"No. When she deems it time? When a warden gets assigned ta me and finally gets ta requestin' it away? I don't know."
no subject
Date: 2023-11-11 11:25 pm (UTC)And in the meantime, someone who was already slightly unbalanced will be hearing discordant noise in his head...often? Constantly? It doesn't sound like it's going to have a salutary effect on him, but Astarion supposes that's the point of a punishment.
"If you'd like me to slit your throat and see if dying makes it wear off, we could try it. Though, she might just recast the thing."
no subject
Date: 2023-11-12 12:09 am (UTC)He did sound sincere. Even if it had been more of a joke at least the attempt at levity to the situation was appreciated. He seemed to percolate a bit more on the idea.
"It's an interesting idea. I wouldn't have thought of it as an option. I know fer sure tha truth now, how death works here, but it still seems...strange." A brief pause and then his voice dipped slightly. "Besides, I hate losin'."
And dying seemed a bit like losing.
no subject
Date: 2023-11-12 11:21 am (UTC)"Fair enough, fair enough. Besides, I've died and been brought back myself - not here, but quite recently. It's certainly better than the alternative but it still hurts."
He can't recommend it!
no subject
Date: 2023-11-12 04:07 pm (UTC)He rubbed a hand along his throat idly as if the thought of how it would feel nagged at him. He dropped his hand and sighed again. It was a sighing kind of day.
"...suppose I'll just have ta keep ta dull things," he said quietly. "Don't want tha music gettin' all loud and the like. Bad enough as it is."
no subject
Date: 2023-11-12 06:13 pm (UTC)"That's how it works? Stimulating experiences lead to louder music?"
Better that than the reverse, probably.
no subject
Date: 2023-11-12 07:19 pm (UTC)He opened his eyes and met Astarion's eyes. He didn't shrug but the impression might have hung in the air anyway. "It's beautiful."
no subject
Date: 2023-11-13 08:45 am (UTC)"I can't imagine. But then, hunting is satisfying to me for...other reasons."
It also makes Ulla's punishment particularly effective, even if she doesn't realise it. If he's reluctant to pursue anything that might make the music louder, more thrilling - more dissonant and jarring - then it'll certainly make him less violent.
no subject
Date: 2023-11-13 04:20 pm (UTC)"Hmm," if a simple noise could sound disappointed then this one did. The lad played music, he must had appreciated it on some level. Then could he not imagine its beautiful swell and how it could move a person to emotion? It seemed stranger not to be able to than to not for Collins.
"That have ta do with yer...vampire thing?" He asked, not quite attempting to be delicate about it once he decided there wasn't much of a way to be.
no subject
Date: 2023-11-13 05:23 pm (UTC)"Precisely. I used to hunt for food. Now the Admiral generously meets my needs, so - there's a few too many downsides to bother doing it for fun."
Not that he'd be opposed on principle. The consequences are just annoying.
no subject
Date: 2023-11-13 06:52 pm (UTC)Well. Astarion had his point either way. It may have been fun, but there were far more consequences here than there every had been back home. He'd been too good at getting away with it, back there. He had no hope of it, here.
"So ya just let it be." Not a question. A statement mirroring his own bitterness at what it was in this place. "And it doesn't bother ya at all? Ta give up something ya love ta do?"
no subject
Date: 2023-11-13 08:16 pm (UTC)"What I love is not starving to death," he says primly. "Being able to push a knife between someone's ribs is sometimes quite satisfying, yes, but - context is everything."
no subject
Date: 2023-11-13 08:22 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2023-11-13 08:30 pm (UTC)Astarion hums and looks up at the panes of glass overhead.
"...nutritional needs aside, being able to turn a problem into a corpse was always a nice option to have, and it's not one I have any more," he admits. "So, yes, it bothers me a little."
no subject
Date: 2023-11-15 03:32 am (UTC)"See now that's reasonable. Nothin' like havin' something taken away from ya ta realize how much ya relied on it. How useful it is. And how annoyin' it is ta be taken."