She makes a soft, derisive sound at the name but doesn't take it any further than that.
"Well. Mostly I just- it's important to me that you know. If that changes and you do need to get something out of your head, I'm still here. That hasn't changed even if other things have. And I'm not going to shame or humiliate you over it."
"I know. Thank you." He shifts a little closer, puts an arm around her.
"And I - lack your talents for knowing the right thing to say, but I can at
least lend a pointy ear if ever it's needed."
"Well yes, in general," she answers, genuinely. "I don't know if you recall but it's been a fair few years for me, and it's kind of hard to just pick back up right where we left off before. I know I'm different. So yes -"
But she sighs, smiling a wee bit helplessly if she's honest.
"But also yes, that. Neither of you exactly signed up for it."
"It's...different. For me. I can't speak for Jacob. It's been years for
you, I know that, but I can't...feel it. It was a matter of tendays for
us. I can't help but think I can just pick up where we left off, even
though I know I'm just going to make a mess of it."
"I'll talk to Jacob too," she promises him. He doesn't need to speak for him, or worry about that.
"I know it wasn't long for you - in more than one way." She has to assume he perceives time so much differently than she or Jacob does. "But it's hard for me to remember exactly what that even was. Why are you so sure you're making a mess of things?"
"Well, be nice to my friend," she teases-but-not-really, squeezing his hand in hers. "He's pretty amazing if he lets you get to know him, and I would know."
This is how she segues into trying to answer his question, even though it's harder for her to connect dots; she's been the frog in the pot, after all. She isn't quite sure when the water changed temperature, only that it has.
"Well, for one, I sleep now." A rueful smile. "I'm not angry all the time, I don't hate everyone. I'm not suicidal."
She's more... not standoffish, she isn't actively avoiding anyone or anything, but this is the first time she's sat in Astarion's new room with him, and she knows she's been the same with Jacob. She's focused inward more than outward now, and she's more independent.
"...I didn't know that about you the first time around," he admits quietly.
"The latter, I mean. Though perhaps I felt some kinship with it, on
some...less conscious level."
"I feel like neither of us really wanted to talk about ourselves, much." For reasons they've already covered in this conversation, even.
"But I also... I got better at hiding it, after Jesus and I made our spite pact. I just didn't care: if I died, I died, I only wanted it to mean something if it could. But if not, I just wanted to stop... hurting."
"Ah. Yes. That sounds very familiar indeed," Astarion sighs.
And it rings true of Gale right now, but that's for him to mull over later.
"Wanting to live, feeling like the life you have has true value, it makes
things feel...more challenging, in some ways. The stakes feel higher,
suddenly. Or at least they do for me."
"I have people that matter to me that I could lose, again. I have..." She glances down - at his idle tracing on her shoulder, yes, but also her own belly. "... hope, again. We got some wins under our belt, back home. I don't know how all that will make me act, now. And because you and Jacob didn't get to travel there with me like we did when I was here, I don't - I worry. That it'll be too much, now. Somehow."
She's steadier now, more whole now, but that doesn't mean she can't be hurt and it doesn't mean she can't be comforted. Her smile twists crooked, nose wrinkling with embarrassment at herself, but she leans into that contact too.
"I love you too, cariño," and leaves it at that for a few moments, letting herself be reassured.
Of that, anyway. "Which just leaves - that other thing."
"...I doubt you'll be shocked to learn that I never saw myself as a parent. Not that I can remember, at least. Vampires are fetishised for all sorts of things, but not our virility."
She is actually, honestly, more concerned about Astarion than Jacob, who raised his younger brothers. More concerned that this will be the too much for him.
"That's why I needed to circle back and actually talk to you about it. Try and find out where your head is really at, now we're both back and safe."
Astarion nods his understanding, then mentally girds himself and shoots for honesty.
"It does feel...strange. Taking responsibility for my own life is still quite alien. Having a hand in Gale's is taking some adjustment. The idea of having a defenceless little human to help care for is...difficult to imagine. I know I should be over the shock and thinking about things more seriously by now, but..."
She gives him her full attention, doesn't prompt or try to nudge him in any direction. She didn't ask Jacob and Astarion about this. She just did it, and that wasn't... fair, in many ways. She knows that.
"There's no roadmap for what we're doing. No should. At least here we have time." More than the nine months they'd normally have, if that's what needs to happen. "You said it's difficult, but - you can tell me if it's more than that. If it's just not something you want. I'd get it."
It would hurt, but it's fair, and she'd understand.
"I'm not saying that. I'm saying I - I'm growing accustomed to the idea.
But I'm not considering whether I want a future with you and your child,
or with neither."
This comes out of him with an unusual degree of certainty, and he's faintly
surprised by it himself.
There it is, that thing she lost for a while and regained with the help, in part, of this man beside her: a faint spark of hope. She chews her lip, considering, but decides to hell with it. She wants him to know.
"I wanted kids for a long time, Astarion," she offers, quietly. "I knew I wanted a family when I was a kid myself. It just never happened for me, and then the world ended, and I -" She shrugs. "I gave it up. Never gonna happen."
She looks down again, one arm draped protectively across herself.
"I didn't plan this. We didn't. I want you to know - you're all three my family, and whatever combination that looks like, it's okay. I want you in it with me, I trust you, I care about you, I think you have more in you to offer than you know - but if it's not for you, that's okay. I'll raise her myself, and we'll figure it out. We'll keep figuring it out."
He gently puts his fingertips to her chin, tilting her head up so he can
kiss her, softly.
"Maybe by the time we're ready to take our leave, I'll have discovered some
of that 'more'. And if not, well. How old does a human have to be before it
can learn to pick locks?"
She takes her time in the kiss, soaking up the affection, savoring the reassurance.
She kisses him in turn before she answers, smiling.
"Significantly sooner than being strong enough to pull a bow. You just have to balance teaching us how to get out locked doors with our odds of surviving whatever is on the other side."
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timeasmymeasure
Re: Spam
Date: 2025-07-03 10:12 am (UTC)"Well. Mostly I just- it's important to me that you know. If that changes and you do need to get something out of your head, I'm still here. That hasn't changed even if other things have. And I'm not going to shame or humiliate you over it."
Re: Spam
Date: 2025-07-03 10:25 am (UTC)"I know. Thank you." He shifts a little closer, puts an arm around her. "And I - lack your talents for knowing the right thing to say, but I can at least lend a pointy ear if ever it's needed."
Re: Spam
Date: 2025-07-03 11:11 am (UTC)"I've been wanting to check back in with both of you anyway, now that some of the... reunion bliss has had a chance to wear off."
Re: Spam
Date: 2025-07-03 11:18 am (UTC)"'Check in'," he echoes. "In general, or in light of....certain developments during your absence?"
He glances down at her stomach.
Re: Spam
Date: 2025-07-03 12:00 pm (UTC)But she sighs, smiling a wee bit helplessly if she's honest.
"But also yes, that. Neither of you exactly signed up for it."
Re: Spam
Date: 2025-07-03 12:08 pm (UTC)Astarion frowns thoughtfully.
"It's...different. For me. I can't speak for Jacob. It's been years for you, I know that, but I can't...feel it. It was a matter of tendays for us. I can't help but think I can just pick up where we left off, even though I know I'm just going to make a mess of it."
Re: Spam
Date: 2025-07-03 12:29 pm (UTC)"I know it wasn't long for you - in more than one way." She has to assume he perceives time so much differently than she or Jacob does. "But it's hard for me to remember exactly what that even was. Why are you so sure you're making a mess of things?"
Re: Spam
Date: 2025-07-03 12:34 pm (UTC)"...I don't know. An intoxicating cocktail of self-loathing and low expectations, most likely."
He circles a path around her upper arm with his thumb.
"Can you...describe it? How you see yourself as different now."
Re: Spam
Date: 2025-07-03 12:44 pm (UTC)This is how she segues into trying to answer his question, even though it's harder for her to connect dots; she's been the frog in the pot, after all. She isn't quite sure when the water changed temperature, only that it has.
"Well, for one, I sleep now." A rueful smile. "I'm not angry all the time, I don't hate everyone. I'm not suicidal."
She's more... not standoffish, she isn't actively avoiding anyone or anything, but this is the first time she's sat in Astarion's new room with him, and she knows she's been the same with Jacob. She's focused inward more than outward now, and she's more independent.
Re: Spam
Date: 2025-07-03 12:49 pm (UTC)"...I didn't know that about you the first time around," he admits quietly. "The latter, I mean. Though perhaps I felt some kinship with it, on some...less conscious level."
Re: Spam
Date: 2025-07-03 12:53 pm (UTC)"But I also... I got better at hiding it, after Jesus and I made our spite pact. I just didn't care: if I died, I died, I only wanted it to mean something if it could. But if not, I just wanted to stop... hurting."
Re: Spam
Date: 2025-07-03 12:57 pm (UTC)"Ah. Yes. That sounds very familiar indeed," Astarion sighs.
And it rings true of Gale right now, but that's for him to mull over later.
"Wanting to live, feeling like the life you have has true value, it makes things feel...more challenging, in some ways. The stakes feel higher, suddenly. Or at least they do for me."
Re: Spam
Date: 2025-07-03 01:01 pm (UTC)"I have people that matter to me that I could lose, again. I have..." She glances down - at his idle tracing on her shoulder, yes, but also her own belly. "... hope, again. We got some wins under our belt, back home. I don't know how all that will make me act, now. And because you and Jacob didn't get to travel there with me like we did when I was here, I don't - I worry. That it'll be too much, now. Somehow."
Re: Spam
Date: 2025-07-03 01:03 pm (UTC)His brow furrows slightly.
"That what will be too much?"
Re: Spam
Date: 2025-07-03 01:07 pm (UTC)"Whatever difference there is," she settles on, lamely. "Me."
Re: Spam
Date: 2025-07-03 01:23 pm (UTC)"Ah. In that case: no."
It's as simple as that. He kisses her temple.
"I love you dearly, and you're wrong. You will not be too much."
Re: Spam
Date: 2025-07-03 01:27 pm (UTC)"I love you too, cariño," and leaves it at that for a few moments, letting herself be reassured.
Of that, anyway. "Which just leaves - that other thing."
Re: Spam
Date: 2025-07-03 01:36 pm (UTC)"Ah, yes. That other thing."
He drums his fingertips on her shoulder.
"...I doubt you'll be shocked to learn that I never saw myself as a parent. Not that I can remember, at least. Vampires are fetishised for all sorts of things, but not our virility."
Re: Spam
Date: 2025-07-03 01:39 pm (UTC)She is actually, honestly, more concerned about Astarion than Jacob, who raised his younger brothers. More concerned that this will be the too much for him.
"That's why I needed to circle back and actually talk to you about it. Try and find out where your head is really at, now we're both back and safe."
Re: Spam
Date: 2025-07-03 02:52 pm (UTC)Astarion nods his understanding, then mentally girds himself and shoots for honesty.
"It does feel...strange. Taking responsibility for my own life is still quite alien. Having a hand in Gale's is taking some adjustment. The idea of having a defenceless little human to help care for is...difficult to imagine. I know I should be over the shock and thinking about things more seriously by now, but..."
He should be. Surely?
Re: Spam
Date: 2025-07-03 03:00 pm (UTC)"There's no roadmap for what we're doing. No should. At least here we have time." More than the nine months they'd normally have, if that's what needs to happen. "You said it's difficult, but - you can tell me if it's more than that. If it's just not something you want. I'd get it."
It would hurt, but it's fair, and she'd understand.
Re: Spam
Date: 2025-07-03 03:10 pm (UTC)Astarion shakes his head.
"I'm not saying that. I'm saying I - I'm growing accustomed to the idea. But I'm not considering whether I want a future with you and your child, or with neither."
This comes out of him with an unusual degree of certainty, and he's faintly surprised by it himself.
Re: Spam
Date: 2025-07-03 03:23 pm (UTC)"I wanted kids for a long time, Astarion," she offers, quietly. "I knew I wanted a family when I was a kid myself. It just never happened for me, and then the world ended, and I -" She shrugs. "I gave it up. Never gonna happen."
She looks down again, one arm draped protectively across herself.
"I didn't plan this. We didn't. I want you to know - you're all three my family, and whatever combination that looks like, it's okay. I want you in it with me, I trust you, I care about you, I think you have more in you to offer than you know - but if it's not for you, that's okay. I'll raise her myself, and we'll figure it out. We'll keep figuring it out."
Re: Spam
Date: 2025-07-03 03:40 pm (UTC)"We will."
He gently puts his fingertips to her chin, tilting her head up so he can kiss her, softly.
"Maybe by the time we're ready to take our leave, I'll have discovered some of that 'more'. And if not, well. How old does a human have to be before it can learn to pick locks?"
Re: Spam
Date: 2025-07-03 03:47 pm (UTC)She kisses him in turn before she answers, smiling.
"Significantly sooner than being strong enough to pull a bow. You just have to balance teaching us how to get out locked doors with our odds of surviving whatever is on the other side."
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