TLV: IC Contact

[sixfeetofdirt]

Careful; I bite.

Comments

[greatoldjohn]

He considers that for another moment.

"Because you didn't want to get in trouble or you didn't want anyone to judge you?" Beat. "If you know. It's okay if you don't."

[sixfeetofdirt]

"Trouble." He scoffs. "Neither. I just didn't want anyone to see it, or ask, or - it's nobody's business."

[greatoldjohn]

Privacy. Christ. Well, at least he knows how that goes.

"Including me?"

Matter-of-fact. And not assuming anything. Just putting the question there.

"Also fine if the answer is 'yes'."

[sixfeetofdirt]

"I actually don't care whether or not you approve of my answers, but - yes, including you."

He sighs. More of a huff, honestly.

"That being said, I've accepted that you will poke my nose into my affairs regardless."

[greatoldjohn]

"I don't think you do," he admits, "but I meant it more like 'I'm not going to press if that's the case, and it doesn't mean I'm going to give up and walk away' either."

He sighs himself.

"I don't like doing it either. But I don't really see an alternative. Do you see one?" He will let the 'we never talk and you just eventually disappear after languishing here for years' obvious addendum be obvious but silent.

[sixfeetofdirt]

Astarion considers this.

"...I can't say I really understand what you're trying to accomplish by these conversations. I assume it's 'wardening', but that's rather vague."

[greatoldjohn]

"Let's start there. It's been a while since we had this conversation, after all," and Astarion had just arrived. He looks at Astarion.

"What do you think wardening is? What do you think I'm supposed to do?"

[sixfeetofdirt]

"Make me a 'better person'," he says immediately. "Or - nudge me into making myself a 'better person'."

[greatoldjohn]

He's not going to nod or shake his head. He wants to hear a little more.

"And why do you think that?"

[sixfeetofdirt]

"Because - well, because that's what this whole thing is, isn't it?" It's a rhetorical question. "The Admiral sorts people into 'better' and 'worse' and stations one above the other."

[greatoldjohn]

He shakes his head.

"I don't think I'm better than you." Not hardly. "And if you don't believe me, I hope you can believe I don't think I'm better than Arthur."

He shakes his head again.

"It's not about some people being 'better' and other people being 'worse'. Or at least, I don't think about it that way. Not like... not like I'm a 'better' person. I'm not here to change you."

[sixfeetofdirt]

Astarion's lips twist.

"Then what are you here to do? What am I here to do?"

[greatoldjohn]

"I'm here to help you find a path away from the life that brought you here," he says as he seeks out Astarion's eyes, "and you're here to figure out what that looks like and start walking it towards a life actually worth living. You. Not some mythical magical perfect version of you that you can't even imagine."

He pats his chest.

"I'm still the same person who killed my first host because she wouldn't do what I wanted. Because I was scared and I needed to control the situation because if I didn't, I'd end up in the Dark World again. And what happened was I ended up right the fuck back there. If the Admiral had taken me then, I'd have been an inmate."

[sixfeetofdirt]

Astarion frowns.

"Well, fuck the Admiral, then," he says bluntly. "I was already well on my way to that new path. All I need is to go back and deal with Cazador."

[greatoldjohn]

John is going to swear internally instead of externally. Because he loves you, Astarion.

"'Deal' with him? How?"

[sixfeetofdirt]

"The same way he was going to deal with me," Astarion spits. "I was going to kill his lackeys, beat him senseless, and then take his place in his damned rite."

He's honestly a little surprised his file doesn't say so!

[greatoldjohn]

We live in hope of progress. Even if it's futile.

"Right. So." Nope, gonna say it. "Exactly not that."

Beat.

"Not because killing him is a bad or wrong thing. Fuck that guy. If you want, I'll rip his head off and give it to you for a birthday present." Christ. Okay. Baby steps. "Why do you want to take his place in the rite?"

[sixfeetofdirt]

Astarion squints at him.

"Does my file specify what the Rite of Profane Ascension does?"

[greatoldjohn]

"It does, yes. Immortal vampire god. I'm aware."

[sixfeetofdirt]

"A life truly worth living, to use your terminology," he says, cheerfully. "Free of every disadvantage of vampirism, replete with benefits. I was on my way there already."

[greatoldjohn]

John has a few arguments for that, but he decides to pivot. Go a different way.

"Then why were you so adamant that 'joy' wasn't something that would happen for you?"

[sixfeetofdirt]

"Because I'm stuck here. I can't go back and complete the ritual."

[greatoldjohn]

"Right. But you graduate, and then you go back and do the ritual. Doesn't sound that hard."

[sixfeetofdirt]

Astarion rolls his eyes.

"Ah, yes. I'm sure the Admiral will be more than happy to let me graduate in the knowledge that I plan to go home and complete a mass sacrifice. I'm not an idiot."

[greatoldjohn]

Right.

"And that's the only way you see to ever feel joy?"