"And I did all that as an inmate. Seems like it's more important that I'm me than a warden." But she shakes her head, because that isn't actually the bone to chew here, with him. It's not his fault in any way, shape, or form that she hates the system here.
"But I'm... glad. I just don't know. I know more about what I don't want than what I do."
"Ah. That, I understand." He smiles balefully. "I don't think either of us
have had nearly so much of an opportunity to work up a wishlist, so much as
we've kept encountering things we never want to experience again."
It's easy to agree with, even if it makes her... sad.
"It's not how Mama raised me. But that particular part feels like it belongs to Before, and there's little enough left of that now. Do you - what keeps you from it? From thinking about what'd be nice to have?"
Astarion goes quiet for a while. Aylin strolls over to bump her head into his leg, and he reaches down to pull her into his lap for a fuss.
"...There's a few reasons. Mostly? Anything, everything that could be perceived as the smallest kindness from Cazador or his cronies - it had a cost. There were never gifts given, only debts accrued. When I think about the future, about some nebulous somewhere else beyond the Barge, it's hard not to think - what will this cost? How will I have to pay for this?"
Which is half the reason the Rite has such appeal. Payment up front. Power enough to protect his interests, and a deal already done.
Rosita gives him that, working diligently and with more focus than strictly necessary, but she's watching him with the cat out of the corner of her eye. It occurs to her that she should reach out, too, but Aylin is already there so she keeps her hands to herself.
And when he finally says that, she understands enough. Her experience is slightly different, but the end product comes out very similar, and she nods.
"Exactly. I stopped indulging in fantasies of what could be, a very long
time ago. It just made the reality feel harder, colder. Another reason I
struggle now to imagine what I want."
She nods. Her problem isn't imagining as much as it is believing - really believing - that she can have it. She finishes up the last few stitches on the current patch and holds it out for his inspection before she ties off the knot.
"It's taken a lot for Jacob to say he wants something else besides Eden's Gate or dying, too. I feel bad because I can't get behind it as much as I want to encourage him."
She notices. Of course she does. She also abruptly realizes she didn't exactly mean to put herself into a place to have to answer this particular question honestly.
"Because nothing has so far, for me," she finally settles on - and she does look up when she says, "And I've tried. I've tried a lot, both before and after."
"And so the greatest temptation is to stop trying," Astarion agrees, with a
sigh. "But I - certainly for myself, I can't. I can't just lie down and
stop."
"I'd made up my mind to do exactly that," she admits. "When I got here I didn't want any more friends, any more projects or goals or anything at all - I didn't want to keep going. But you all had to fucking ruin that."
"Yes, well. I didn't want to feel the faintest trace of affection or
commitment towards anybody," Astarion drawls. "I had every intention of
being a beautiful undead monolith. Yet here we are. Dreadful, isn't it?"
"I - hm. 'Food' is a rather broad category," he says dryly. "It's rather
like jumping from complete illiteracy to choosing a single book from the
library. Perhaps - something you enjoy? As a place to start."
"I just wanted to make sure there wasn't anything you'd seen in passing, or heard someone else talk about."
She smirks.
"I kind of already shoved most of my favorites at you. But we can try them actually warm this time, and I'll probably be better at making them a second time around."
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timeasmymeasure
no subject
Date: 2025-01-05 01:46 pm (UTC)"And be a warden?" She withers the word in her mouth.
"I'm almost certain the fact I won't commit to what you're saying is what's keeping me here."
no subject
Date: 2025-01-05 02:19 pm (UTC)"Why wouldn't you? You've...helped me think differently," Astarion shrugs. "Others too, I don't doubt."
no subject
Date: 2025-01-05 03:40 pm (UTC)"But I'm... glad. I just don't know. I know more about what I don't want than what I do."
no subject
Date: 2025-01-05 03:46 pm (UTC)"Ah. That, I understand." He smiles balefully. "I don't think either of us have had nearly so much of an opportunity to work up a wishlist, so much as we've kept encountering things we never want to experience again."
no subject
Date: 2025-01-05 04:35 pm (UTC)It's easy to agree with, even if it makes her... sad.
"It's not how Mama raised me. But that particular part feels like it belongs to Before, and there's little enough left of that now. Do you - what keeps you from it? From thinking about what'd be nice to have?"
no subject
Date: 2025-01-05 04:40 pm (UTC)Astarion goes quiet for a while. Aylin strolls over to bump her head into his leg, and he reaches down to pull her into his lap for a fuss.
"...There's a few reasons. Mostly? Anything, everything that could be perceived as the smallest kindness from Cazador or his cronies - it had a cost. There were never gifts given, only debts accrued. When I think about the future, about some nebulous somewhere else beyond the Barge, it's hard not to think - what will this cost? How will I have to pay for this?"
Which is half the reason the Rite has such appeal. Payment up front. Power enough to protect his interests, and a deal already done.
no subject
Date: 2025-01-05 11:18 pm (UTC)And when he finally says that, she understands enough. Her experience is slightly different, but the end product comes out very similar, and she nods.
"How will it feel when it's taken away."
no subject
Date: 2025-01-05 11:57 pm (UTC)"Exactly. I stopped indulging in fantasies of what could be, a very long time ago. It just made the reality feel harder, colder. Another reason I struggle now to imagine what I want."
no subject
Date: 2025-01-07 04:02 pm (UTC)"It's taken a lot for Jacob to say he wants something else besides Eden's Gate or dying, too. I feel bad because I can't get behind it as much as I want to encourage him."
no subject
Date: 2025-01-07 04:28 pm (UTC)"Because you can't see it working out for him?" Astarion asks.
The alternative - working out for us - feels far too delicate, too fragile a question.
no subject
Date: 2025-01-07 04:31 pm (UTC)"Because nothing has so far, for me," she finally settles on - and she does look up when she says, "And I've tried. I've tried a lot, both before and after."
no subject
Date: 2025-01-07 04:34 pm (UTC)"And so the greatest temptation is to stop trying," Astarion agrees, with a sigh. "But I - certainly for myself, I can't. I can't just lie down and stop."
no subject
Date: 2025-01-07 04:36 pm (UTC)It's a fond exasperation.
no subject
Date: 2025-01-07 04:39 pm (UTC)"Yes, well. I didn't want to feel the faintest trace of affection or commitment towards anybody," Astarion drawls. "I had every intention of being a beautiful undead monolith. Yet here we are. Dreadful, isn't it?"
no subject
Date: 2025-01-07 06:18 pm (UTC)"I'm glad you're not," she offers. "But I'm also a little sorry. It's... harder."
Feeling affection. Feeling commitment.
no subject
Date: 2025-01-07 07:00 pm (UTC)"It's terrifying, actually." Astarion laughs. "But I...if I could choose to stop feeling this way, I wouldn't."
no subject
Date: 2025-01-07 07:17 pm (UTC)"We were friends first, querido," she reminds him. "If I can ever - if you ever need. I'm not afraid of you, or anything you could need to talk out."
no subject
Date: 2025-01-07 07:42 pm (UTC)"...thank you."
He leans over to have a proper look at her patch job.
"A strong first attempt, darling."
no subject
Date: 2025-01-08 11:40 am (UTC)And then she circles back: "Maybe we should start small. What would you like for dinner?"
Now that he can choose.
no subject
Date: 2025-01-08 11:56 am (UTC)Astarion blinks at her.
"I, ah - the only thing I'm actually hungry for hasn't changed," he says delicately. "Food is more of a...curiosity."
no subject
Date: 2025-01-08 11:59 am (UTC)"But what are you curious to try? I have an in with the kitchen."
It's her. She's the in.
no subject
Date: 2025-01-08 12:04 pm (UTC)"I - hm. 'Food' is a rather broad category," he says dryly. "It's rather like jumping from complete illiteracy to choosing a single book from the library. Perhaps - something you enjoy? As a place to start."
no subject
Date: 2025-01-08 12:08 pm (UTC)She smirks.
"I kind of already shoved most of my favorites at you. But we can try them actually warm this time, and I'll probably be better at making them a second time around."
no subject
Date: 2025-01-08 12:20 pm (UTC)"All right. I did like the things you gave me, though I know my tolerance for spice may be a work in progress," he admits.
no subject
Date: 2025-01-08 12:24 pm (UTC)(no subject)
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