sixfeetofdirt | TLV: IC Contact

sixfeetofdirt

Careful; I bite.

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From:

sixfeetofdirt

"I'm sorry," Astarion murmurs. "I never read my file. I felt I didn't need to. I was already there for everything that would be mentioned, and I didn't enjoy any of it the first time around, so..."

From:

handleyourshit

"So if anything, we've both proven the file isn't necessary for graduating," she points out, reasonably.

But also, she tells the ceiling, "I felt the same way about a lot of it. But some of it... I just didn't want to see his face when he found out about some of it." She rolls her head to look at him, asking the silent question if it was like that for him, too.

From:

sixfeetofdirt

Astarion considers that.

"That - may be true for Gale. For me, I...there has been so much shame, and pain, and humiliation. There would be nothing in my file I could take pride in, or enjoy recounting. So - if anything, the reverse is true. I should have wanted to see my wardens' faces, just to know they could tolerate being in the same room as me."

From:

handleyourshit

"Should have?" she asks, lightly. Curious.

Should doesn't have a very pronounced place in their lives, from what she can tell, and she's not trying to say it now either. But he's the one saying it, so she just prompts.

From:

sixfeetofdirt

"I don't know. Maybe," he says, shrugging it off. "It all feels rather academic now. I at least recognised early on that John wasn't enough of a person to relate to anything I'd experienced, so what he thought of my file was besides the point."

From:

handleyourshit

She makes a soft, derisive sound at the name but doesn't take it any further than that.

"Well. Mostly I just- it's important to me that you know. If that changes and you do need to get something out of your head, I'm still here. That hasn't changed even if other things have. And I'm not going to shame or humiliate you over it."

From:

sixfeetofdirt

"I know. Thank you." He shifts a little closer, puts an arm around her. "And I - lack your talents for knowing the right thing to say, but I can at least lend a pointy ear if ever it's needed."

From:

handleyourshit

"Oh, I'm gonna need that," she chuckles, reaching up to hook her fingers with his to pull that arm tight around her. Firm.

"I've been wanting to check back in with both of you anyway, now that some of the... reunion bliss has had a chance to wear off."

From:

sixfeetofdirt

"'Check in'," he echoes. "In general, or in light of....certain developments during your absence?"

He glances down at her stomach.

From:

handleyourshit

"Well yes, in general," she answers, genuinely. "I don't know if you recall but it's been a fair few years for me, and it's kind of hard to just pick back up right where we left off before. I know I'm different. So yes -"

But she sighs, smiling a wee bit helplessly if she's honest.

"But also yes, that. Neither of you exactly signed up for it."

From:

sixfeetofdirt

Astarion frowns thoughtfully.

"It's...different. For me. I can't speak for Jacob. It's been years for you, I know that, but I can't...feel it. It was a matter of tendays for us. I can't help but think I can just pick up where we left off, even though I know I'm just going to make a mess of it."

From:

handleyourshit

"I'll talk to Jacob too," she promises him. He doesn't need to speak for him, or worry about that.

"I know it wasn't long for you - in more than one way." She has to assume he perceives time so much differently than she or Jacob does. "But it's hard for me to remember exactly what that even was. Why are you so sure you're making a mess of things?"

From:

sixfeetofdirt

"...I don't know. An intoxicating cocktail of self-loathing and low expectations, most likely."

He circles a path around her upper arm with his thumb.

"Can you...describe it? How you see yourself as different now."

From:

handleyourshit

"Well, be nice to my friend," she teases-but-not-really, squeezing his hand in hers. "He's pretty amazing if he lets you get to know him, and I would know."

This is how she segues into trying to answer his question, even though it's harder for her to connect dots; she's been the frog in the pot, after all. She isn't quite sure when the water changed temperature, only that it has.

"Well, for one, I sleep now." A rueful smile. "I'm not angry all the time, I don't hate everyone. I'm not suicidal."

She's more... not standoffish, she isn't actively avoiding anyone or anything, but this is the first time she's sat in Astarion's new room with him, and she knows she's been the same with Jacob. She's focused inward more than outward now, and she's more independent.

From:

sixfeetofdirt

"...I didn't know that about you the first time around," he admits quietly. "The latter, I mean. Though perhaps I felt some kinship with it, on some...less conscious level."

From:

handleyourshit

"I feel like neither of us really wanted to talk about ourselves, much." For reasons they've already covered in this conversation, even.

"But I also... I got better at hiding it, after Jesus and I made our spite pact. I just didn't care: if I died, I died, I only wanted it to mean something if it could. But if not, I just wanted to stop... hurting."

From:

sixfeetofdirt

"Ah. Yes. That sounds very familiar indeed," Astarion sighs.

And it rings true of Gale right now, but that's for him to mull over later.

"Wanting to live, feeling like the life you have has true value, it makes things feel...more challenging, in some ways. The stakes feel higher, suddenly. Or at least they do for me."

From:

handleyourshit

She nods. Her, too.

"I have people that matter to me that I could lose, again. I have..." She glances down - at his idle tracing on her shoulder, yes, but also her own belly. "... hope, again. We got some wins under our belt, back home. I don't know how all that will make me act, now. And because you and Jacob didn't get to travel there with me like we did when I was here, I don't - I worry. That it'll be too much, now. Somehow."

From:

sixfeetofdirt

His brow furrows slightly.

"That what will be too much?"

From:

handleyourshit

He just praised her as having the right words to say. She wrangles this nameless, formless dread for several moments trying to find them now.

"Whatever difference there is," she settles on, lamely. "Me."

From:

sixfeetofdirt

"Ah. In that case: no."

It's as simple as that. He kisses her temple.

"I love you dearly, and you're wrong. You will not be too much."

From:

handleyourshit

She's steadier now, more whole now, but that doesn't mean she can't be hurt and it doesn't mean she can't be comforted. Her smile twists crooked, nose wrinkling with embarrassment at herself, but she leans into that contact too.

"I love you too, cariño," and leaves it at that for a few moments, letting herself be reassured.

Of that, anyway. "Which just leaves - that other thing."

From:

sixfeetofdirt

"Ah, yes. That other thing."

He drums his fingertips on her shoulder.

"...I doubt you'll be shocked to learn that I never saw myself as a parent. Not that I can remember, at least. Vampires are fetishised for all sorts of things, but not our virility."

From:

handleyourshit

"I know."

She is actually, honestly, more concerned about Astarion than Jacob, who raised his younger brothers. More concerned that this will be the too much for him.

"That's why I needed to circle back and actually talk to you about it. Try and find out where your head is really at, now we're both back and safe."

From:

sixfeetofdirt

Astarion nods his understanding, then mentally girds himself and shoots for honesty.

"It does feel...strange. Taking responsibility for my own life is still quite alien. Having a hand in Gale's is taking some adjustment. The idea of having a defenceless little human to help care for is...difficult to imagine. I know I should be over the shock and thinking about things more seriously by now, but..."

He should be. Surely?